I remember this word like it was yesterday. His jaw lowered softly and his eyes pierced through my existence. This time around it did not feel like a greeting. He was not welcoming me into his presence. He knew. And I felt ashamed for pretending.
I gave a smirk and replied with silence. I couldn’t say any words. I did not want to be correct, nor did I want to be proven wrong. I found my hands running through my sleeves. Discomfort was what I had created and this was my bed. I had to lie on this sturdy ground. I had to melt into guilt. Did I forsake him? Or was it meant to be done? Don’t try to play the victim, don’t make me drown in regrets. Say something before I burst into unease. Don’t leave me broken.
I might have looked at the wrong places for love. But you never looked at me. You hide me in your chambers and clothe me with sadness. I knew I deserved more, I begged each night for you to see me anew. I thirsted for your attention, and all I had was goodbyes. The only time I heard your voice was to accuse me of being human. My desires consumed me.
“How? How could you?” His speech became slower and his eyes carried weight. “Am I not enough?”
I stared blankly at him. The hallway at this point felt smaller. The steam from the boiling water plastered on the walls.
“What are you talking about?” I tried playing smart. “I’ll go check on the oven.”
“That’s not the oven and you stay there. I am not done talking to you.”
“When did you get so cold? You know damn well that you left two nights in a row to spend time with your ex.”
“What do you want from me, Steven?”
“I feed you, I provide for you and there you go smelling like cologne.”
“I love you, but I don’t get that in return. You act differently. You changed. I don’t need you to buy me more things. I need to know that you care about me. I am not some property you hold up to your friends and hide in the closet. I need to know that I mean something more than a name. More than just skin. And you don’t act like that way to me.”
“Lilian. Maybe you should leave. Go to the room and get all your stuff.”
I walked slowly to find the handrail leading up to the bedroom. I felt a palm on the back of my hand. My eyes looked back to see Steven in tears.
“I should have told you earlier. I got diagnosed stage 1 with prostate cancer. I feel impotent and worthless. I’m sorry I can’t give you the love you deserve. I hoped that you would find affection in my gifts. I was afraid that you would leave.”
“But isn’t that what is happening? You are asking me to leave.”
“You cheated on me.”
“I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”
I woke up
Copyright ©2017 Kihek creations
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